Season 4 continues..
FROM: Lois Lane
TO: Elmerfudd@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: tsk tsk
Now, Smallville while I do consider you to be a dork, I’ve never taken you for a wuss. But you failed to show up for lessons by Professor Lane. I had a very special class planned out for you. So now I am going to have to give it to you via email..as I said before, you can't escape me. Not only do I know where you live, have your email address, but your best friend is my cousin. This means you keep ignoring me and I'll bring her into this.. do you really want us both involved?
FROM: Clark Kent
TO: isthisloveCoverdale@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: no subject
Lois, I told you when you first arrived I had practice. Not to mention other things to do then receive lessons I don't need from you.
FROM: Lois Lane
TO: Elmerfudd@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: Liar Liar pants on fire
Wow, what a line Clark. I almost believed you on the practice except I’ve seen your arm in action. Throwing a football yards right through a tire swing, like it took no effort. So this tells me the other things you were doing were probably stalking Lana, following Chloe around, and generally just avoiding me. Oh and don't give me the farm chores line.
I have an assignment for you. Expect an email soon and if you don't open it I will hurt you in ways you can't even imagine
With Love,
Lois
FROM: Clark Kent
TO: isthisloveCoverdale@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: Re: Liar Liar pants on fire
I wasn't avoiding you, I did have other things come up along with practicing. I'm not afraid of Professor Lane. And threatening me then ending it with 'with love' doesn't work Lois.
Oh, her gift has been sorted like we agreed.
Not a student of Professor Lane,
Clark
FROM: Lois Lane
TO: Elmerfudd@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: PROJECT
You are a student and you know it. So now what can Professor Lane teach farm boy Clarkie.. Hmm.
Welcome to the Wooing a girl (that's not Lana) 101 a class of Professor Lane.. If you are in this class its because you have serious issues with babbling at the opposite sex, awkward silences, and or you stalk them while creating elaborate fantasies of happily ever afters.
All assignments/Projects are mandatory.
Lesson 1 – Men and women are created equal. WRONG..not when it comes to wooing. Its not all fair in love and war between the opposite sex. It's work.
Flirting -
For a guy, it needs to exude confidence. Coy will only make you look like a sissy man. So don't. Nothing more unattractive then a guy trying to use what really only works for a girl.
Confidence does not include caveman behavoir. It simply means that the girl isn’t worried that two seconds into the conversation you're gonna do a runner. That you mean what you say.. you can always advance to suave once you cover basic confidence.
Now while the caveman attitude is unwanted it isn't to say that a bit of forcefulness and even light manhandling can't be sexy..or sweep a girl off her feet. But again, Smallville, hold off on this till you cover the basics. Don't need you getting charged with assualt and battery because of bad flirting.
Communication -
I would give advice on lines you use but really I am not concerned with you on that, since you're such a boyscout. However, don't babble. Stay focused.
Don't be a total dick and let your mind wander. A guy who listens to what you are saying is priceless. Girls eat it up..but don't think we don't notice when it's just a show. Eventually, if not right away, we know.
Stalking is not a form of communication. While nothing is wrong with watching from a distance while you get your bearings, spying only leads to a life long stay behind bars.
So I suggest you talk to a girl rather then resort to what is extremely unattractive.
You have an assignment. I want you to try to woo a girl that ISN'T Lana.. and go a week without spying on her. Do you think you can do that?
- Professor Lane
FROM: Clark Kent
TO: isthisloveCoverdale@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: Re: PROJECT
Are you seriously thinking I am going to do this assignment? Also, Lois , I do not spy!! I actually happen to like astronomy. Nor do I stalk Lana. I 've hardly seen her in the last few days.
I am trying real hard to not feel insulted at this lesson.
NOT DOING THE ASSIGNMENT!
- Clark
FROM: Lois Lane
TO: Elmerfudd@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: Do it or suffer!
Come on! Every quarterback needs a blonde hanging off his arm. Especially a smart one of the non bimbo variety. You are so blind, Smallville, you really are. I guess I am going to have to plan another lesson.. and if you continue to ignore the assignments I suggest you learn to sleep with your eyes open.
You don't spy? Hahaha Clark i've caught that telescope pointed in the direction of a certain brunette’s house. Unless, of course,'liking astronomy' is a new eupheimism for 'spying on pretty girls' . Which even if it is..it still means I'm right. Actually, I'm right regardless.
FROM: Clark Kent
TO: isthisloveCoverdale@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: NO!
Let me think on this. Hmm.. wait. NO! I'm not going to find a girl to apply this lesson to, nor will it be on Chloe if that's what you were hinting at. I love her as my best friend, so lets leave it there okay?
If you really looked through my telescope like you claim, then you'd have found it pointing at the sky, Lois. Maybe poke around the bookshelf next time you get nosy and you'll see that I have books on the subject.
Oh, Professor Lois, I'm reminded that I meant to ask. Do you know what a spell checker is? Your last two emails have needed it.
FROM: Lois Lane
TO: Elmerfudd@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: re: NO!
What do you mean do I know how to use a spell checker? What are you the spelling Patrol?
Pull the tractor out of you rear end and just do the assignment! Live a little. Jeeze you would think I was asking you to do the worst thing in the world. Most guys would love an excuse to ask a hot girl out. Maybe your obsession with 'astronomy' has addled your brain. Because something definitely has.
Oh, I'm coming down for her birthday and your barn is a good spot for a party.
FROM: Clark Kent
TO: isthisloveCoverdale@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: re: re: NO!
Lois, we can't have a party in the barn. Why are you not planning this for at the Talon? I am sure Lana would like to help.
I'd offer to give you a tour of the stars, just to prove I use the telescope for what its meant for, if I didn't think you'd try to read something into that.
FROM: Lois Lane
TO: Elmerfudd@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: Tour of the stars?
I don't know whether to gag or laugh at your offer to tour the stars with me. You're right too, of course I am gonna read something from it. I mean really, Smallville, it sounds like some sorta line. Haha.. that's another lesson plan right there.
Tour the Stars.. sorry Smallville, as much as I am flattered, I am not interest in being your next astronomy project.
As for Chloe's birthday party. Clark, Hello! How can it be a surprise party if its at the talon? This is why the barn is a good place. She won't expect it there. Where you even listening to me when we talked about this?
This lack of listening is exactly why I included it in the lesson.
FROM: Clark Kent
TO: isthisloveCoverdale@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: re: Tour of the stars?
Lois, you couldn't pay me to give you that sort of tour any more then you could to take one of your lessons.
I was listening, but we planned it months ago before I had arrangements made to meet with the rep from Princeton. It can't be at the farm so don't think it Lois, and being a surprise party doesn't mean it can't be a the talon.
Chloe, I think would appreciate it more if she was around the smell of coffee.
FROM: Lois Lane
TO: Elmerfudd@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: no subject
You know I thought since I've come to your hick town that I've experienced enough in the quota of bizarre. But this takes the cake. How often do you deal with witch possessions? The one possessing me couldn't have been that bright, and she must have been a little slutty, because that dress was way to short.
I am still expecting you to fill me in on what happened you know. I don't like this whole lack of memory thing.
FROM: Clark Kent
TO: isthisloveCoverdale@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: re: no subject
Lois, there is nothing to tell. You, Chloe and Lana showed up possessed, acting a little weird, then the next thing I know its the party from hell. I still have to figure out how I explain it all to the rep. I think Princeton is off the list.
FROM: Lois Lane
TO: Elmerfudd@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: Hell
Party from hell includes a lot, Smallville.
I don't remember a whole lot but I am pretty sure you were in your boxers at one point. In fact I am sure of it. What else happened? God, please don't tell me that slutty Sabrina flirted with you?! Or did anything else just as bad.
Sorry about the rep and remind me to never ask you to wrap a gift again.
FROM: Clark Kent
TO: isthisloveCoverdale@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: re: Hell
Considering, I already know you like it when you think I am looking you over, I find it funny that it would have been bad if 'Sabrina' had of flirted with me. Especially since you know nothing would have happened between us. So why the worry? As far as doing anything else bad..I don't think so. I saw you dancing with a couple of guys but that's it.
Despite being a bit goth I didn't think the dress was that bad.
I did warn you I wasn't good at wrapping but as usual you were to busy barking out orders.
FROM: Lois Lane
TO: Elmerfudd@thedigitalwave.com
SUBJECT: re: Hell'
OH God kill me now! I did flirt with you. And that's the last time you'll ever get a view of the twins so count yourself lucky Smallville. You are such a perv.
Also, I am not worried, appalled is more like it. I can't believe that the witch had a thing for plaid. Sad really, you two time crossed lovers could have indulged yourself together in the flannel fetish. Aww .
Though knowing your luck, in her own body, she probably fit the stereotype for witches. Big mole, bent nose.
I think I'll skip next weekend, I need a break from all things weird.
- Lois
P.S. You're not off the hook on Lessons from Professor Lane. You really need help.
Feedback is cookies..or change to keep a starving artist going
0 comments:
Post a Comment